The Day of the Call...continued

Bro: Not bad!

Me: Why are you on the extension! Buzz off!!

Bro: No way

Me: Get off or you’ll regret it.

At this point, it struck me that this interruption could be used to my advantage.

‘When embarrassing conversation occurs, shift focus’. Did Sun Tzu say that or Confucius? Maybe the last fortune cookie at that Chinese place.

Me: Mom, you need to concentrate on Akshay. He is going wayward. And Aksh, if you don’t put the phone down, this is my last warning.

Bro: There’s nothing you can do about it.

Me: Oh yeah? I was thinking of NOT telling mom about the cigarette I found in your jacket pocket.

Mom: What!

Bro: Oh Sh@#!!

Me: How long have you been smoking.

Bro: I don’t smoke. It’s a friend’s.

Me: And I’m Jennifer Lopez

Bro: By the way… what did you do with it?

Me: Threw it in the dustbin. And don’t dare go looking for it.

Yes, he was capable.

Bro: I thought you had lofty ideals, so how come you went through my jacket pockets?

Me: I wouldn’t touch your filthy jacket with a barge pole. It was lying in the middle of my bed and when I lifted it up, the cig fell out.

(And, digressing) Me: Why is even my bed not sacrosanct? I come home after a hard day’s work and why do I have to find some dusty heavy duty metal lump in middle of my bed!?!

Bro: They are my new guitar pedals. They are actually very cool. They were hard to find here. They are..

Me : I’m not interested in the case history!!! Next time, they go out the window. Okay now, here’s the deal. I won’t mention the other thing if you get mom off the line.

Bro: What other thing?

Me: Do. you. want. me. to. say. it.!

This time I was bluffing, but he didn’t know it.

Bro: Mom has settled down on the sofa with two cups of tea and the telephone. It is beyond my powers to get her off the line.

Me: I have already spent two hours talking to her.

Bro: I know. I was listening.

Of course, it had actually been only 20 minutes. I also found it surprising that Mom had stopped participating in the conversation. Apparently in the Joshi household, sons could get away with more than daughters. Or perhaps she was marveling at our long distance communication - that we were actually speaking without chucking things and/ or threatening dire consequences to each other’s cherished possessions.

By this time, enlightenment had dawned on my brother. He was actually smarter than me even though he was younger. I hate it when that happens.

Mom meanwhile continued the conversation as if this were a family intervention cum conference.

Mom: At least tell him to cut his hair. He listens to you.

Me: That last statement again proves how deluded you are mom. Anyway, on that point, Aksh, do see the Eagles’ latest acoustic track. They’ve all cut their hair. The guy from Pink Floyd’s cut his hair. What about RHCP*- they’ve cut their hair too. For the first time, I actually saw their faces. Long hair is passe. Jon Bon Jovi’s cut his hair too.

*Red Hot Chilli Peppers for the uninitiated.

Bro: Whatever

It was time to cut to the chase.

Me: Okay so hang up the phone and I’ll pay for your next gig equipment rental.

Bro: Done.

Me: Bye.

Bro: Bye.

Conversation finally over, I felt as if I’d survived a marathon still standing.

And ofcourse, my humiliation was complete. For now.