Saturday, June 19, 2010

Search String Theory

Since hitting bloggers block ("Yet again", I hear some drawls) and after a satisfyingly sunny beach holiday, I thought fondly of another visit to the service that tracks my hit count here.

Much as a mother revisits photographs of her offspring, or an author lovingly caresses the glossy jacket of his latest bestseller, I too on occasion like to see from which part of the world people find their way to my blog.

Somewhat to my chagrin and not very severe blow to my ego, here are the winning entries from the usual suspects. In tabular form, with the country of origin and the search string that brought them here, needless to say, ad verbatim. I do say it however, for those of you who do not know me should know that even my imagination would balk at inventing this.

Janesville, United States : "dr seuss with a religious twist"

Am not sure I'd like Seuss quite that way. 

Somewhere in the United States : "orange aura manipulate"

Not sure if you can, hon.
New York, United States : "kapil shrikhande marriage"

My apologies that you were led to my blog first, but hope you found what you were looking for, you stalker you. Kapil's married girl, just deal with it.

Decatur, United States : "How to fill a whiskey flask"

Am truly mystified as to what tag I must've inadvertently added brought this person here, but I would suggest, use a funnel and just pour it in. 

Washington, United States : "whats an intervert"

If you find out, be sure to let me know.

Chula Vista, United States : "is tom cruise a introvert"

Vila Nova De Gaia, Portugal : "whats an introvert"

The last three sure bust some myths about knowledge of grammar in English speaking and non-English speaking countries, what say?

York, United Kingdom : "introvert personality will never be successful as a lecturer"

Aw, we can't be sure of that. Curious as to what this person was looking for online, to validate this statement or refute it? Gotta love the Brits though. Typing a flawlessly correct sentence into the google search box deserves credit, especially with known pitfalls such as 'introvert'.

Montreal, Canada : "stationery supplies frivolously"


Hong Kong, Hong Kong : "witty pantry notice"

I'll endeavour to script some for you.

Vasai, India : "astrologer contact number"

Rodovre, Denmark : "dark thoughts, love, Greece"

Ooh. I think I like Danes already.

Bangalore, India : "brittania bourbon activation ideas"

Oh, come on! Come up with something yourself, for once. And do you seriously think you would find "activation ideas" specifically for your brand of biscuits in cyberspace? What, you think there's an Internet God?

East London, South Africa : "tips for the mentor support to menties in academic progress or successful"


Warning, it gets quite x-rated from here onwards.

New York, United States : "dunce houseboy mistress"

As they say, only in New York.

Regrettably and unsurprisingly, from New Delhi, India : "where can I get phone numbers of udupi homosex mates"

I still feel a little violated on behalf of my blog and my first instinct is to ask for a transfer and citizenship to some other country altogether. I cringe to have to bring this sordid touch here, but one must be honest and fair to my country of origin, though thankfully, not the same city.

Scranton, United States : "gay loo"

I reserve my comments on this.

And here's the winning entry.

Chicago, United States : "In your work or everyday life, what is an example of a situation where it would be important to take into consideration the variance around the mean?"

The least said the better, I should think.

This was an illuminating exercise however, and I can only think this - there is an extremely weird set of people trawling through the backwaters of cyberspace and it is no consolation to me that I am part of the throng. However, these are happily, the exceptions to the rule. So far.

Thinking back, I too have probably surfed for extremely bizarre topics on the internet, and am sure it's afforded someone, somewhere a good laugh.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Excerpts from LL's Personal Diary

These forgotten pages from LL's diary were anonymously scanned and emailed.

After great trepidation, as I felt uneasy unleashing great evil unto the world, I overcame my scruples as this would give you, dear reader, tremendous insight.

After all, wasn't Mein Kampf published in paperback for the same reasons?

Read with caution - there's no going back.

Some necessary omissions such as names of people/ clients have been made and acronyms have been expanded. Only some of the notes are featured here.

Some illegible scrawls could not be deciphered.

13 March 20XX

Sack someone before 31 Mar.

## new recruit - joined 3 months ago - expendable. No notice period.

Author's note: The reason for this was that in a weak moment, LL had allowed the number of employees to exceed 20. Dangerous, as any company with employees >20 would have to provide benefits like gratuity and canteen facility. This would go against everything LL believed. He couldn't let that happen.

5 May 20xx

XX (client) chose the agency's tagline instead of mine.

10 May 20xx

Sent brochure to competitor of XX.

26 May 20xx
Hope to dump XX in 2 months and sign up YY*

* Author's note: Competitor of XX

6 April 20xx

Dictate memo about new leave rules.

Author's note: Refer to Marrkit's Memorable Memos

12 May 20xx

Call from Candyboy mne's magazine for interview - 4 page spread! Schedule appointment on priority basis. What an honour. Everyone important reads Candyboy. They'll be so jealous.

13 May 20xx

Call photographer - new head shots/ profile views for photo handouts.

Send to all journalists.

1 June 20xx

Frame cost cutting policy.

4 July 20xx

Nice campaign idea by agency of ABC client.

10 July 20xx

XYZ meeting a success. Client loved my campaign idea.

Reminder - Clients ABC & XYZ to never meet.

10 August 20xx

Serious news. Mrs. LL reports that Group heads are on easygoing, friendly terms with each other.

12 August 20xx

Divide and rule. Divide and rule. Move client from one group to another.

13 August 20xx

Told client, group two not performing and they are upgraded to group one.

14 August 20xx

Told group two they are not performing and client will move to group one.

16 Aug 20xx

Tell group one they are not productive enough so have to manage group two's client. Praise head of group two in front of group one.

3 Sept 20xx

Schedule time with Mrs. LL for update on employee calls she's listened in on.

12 Sept 20xx

Must get invited as a panellist on CNBC. Invite the show's anchor for lunch. Crash annual party?

2nd Nov 20xx

Find out about personal life of all employees to help manipulate them. Options: hire detective/ install cameras/ phone bugs/ call in hypnosis expert/ actor.

4 Dec 20xx

Today is VN's day off. Email letter in his name to client sales manager, accusing him of manipulating sales figures. VN must not find out.

10 Dec 20xx

Memo to Mrs. LL - Destroyed VN's credibility with client. Use this as a reason to sack him before he resigns.